What to expect when you don’t know what you’re expecting! Talking to your partner about having kids can be scary.
The Importance of Discussing Parenthood Early
You’ve got baby fever, and your partner doesn’t, or they’ve already named the first three kids, and you’re not sure about keeping a plant alive! Talking to your partner about having kids is one of the most important conversations you’ll have together. There’s no denying it—deciding whether or not to have children is one of the most significant choices you’ll face in a relationship. Parenthood can shape your lifestyle, your finances, and even your long-term goals. That’s why open, honest communication about this topic is crucial.
But here’s the thing—this conversation isn’t always easy. It’s vulnerable, often emotional, and sometimes uncomfortable. However, the earlier and more thoughtfully you broach the subject, the better positioned you’ll be to make decisions as a couple.
This blog will help you understand your feelings about having kids, create a safe space for dialogue, navigate tough topics, and find a path forward together.
Understanding Your Own Feelings and Beliefs About Having Kids
Before opening the conversation with your partner, it’s essential to take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself these questions to clarify your stance on parenthood and why it matters to you.
- Do I want children, and why? Is this a lifelong dream, a desire to nurture, or pressure from societal expectations or family?
- What would having (or not having) kids mean for my identity or future?
- How do I envision life as a parent? Think about daily roles, responsibilities, and what sacrifices you’re willing to make.
- What are my concerns or fears? Addressing these honestly will help you communicate better with your partner later on.
This step isn’t about finding all the answers—it’s about identifying what truly matters to you. The clearer you are with yourself, the clearer you can be with your partner.
Creating a Safe and Open Space for Communication
Timing and the right environment are critical when broaching such a sensitive topic. There’s no “perfect” moment, but here are a few tips to foster a positive discussion.
- Choose a Calm Setting: Find a relaxed, distraction-free environment where you both feel comfortable—whether it’s after dinner at home or during a quiet weekend walk.
- Start Broadly: Instead of jumping straight into “Should we have kids?” ease into it by talking about your future together or fond family memories.
- Practice Active Listening: Stay present, give your partner space to share their thoughts, and avoid interrupting or judging what they have to say.
For example, try starting with something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what our future could look like, and I’d love to talk about how we both feel about having kids.”
Key Questions to Ask Your Partner
Once the conversation is flowing, start exploring each other’s thoughts with open-ended questions. These can help you both gain clarity and understanding.
- Where do you see yourself in five or ten years? Do kids fit into that picture?
- What kind of parent do you imagine yourself being?
- What are your biggest fears or concerns about having children (or not having them)?
- How do you feel about the timing of starting a family? Are there certain milestones you’d like to reach first?
- How do you think having children would affect our relationship, careers, and lifestyle?
These questions may feel intimidating at first, but they can uncover insights that bring you closer together.
Addressing Fears, Concerns, and Disagreements
It’s natural to disagree, and not everything will be resolved in a single conversation. When tensions arise, approach them with empathy and patience.
Here are ways to handle common concerns or disagreements effectively:
- Discuss finances honestly: Budgeting for childcare, education, and family needs can feel overwhelming, but mapping out a plan together can provide reassurance.
- Acknowledge lifestyle shifts: Changes to careers, free time, and social lives are inevitable—explore how you might support each other during these adjustments.
- Validate anxieties: Concerns stemming from childhood experiences, health, or societal issues are valid. Offer understanding, and if needed, suggest seeking professional support.
The goal isn’t necessarily to convince the other person but to hear each other out and honor one another’s feelings.
What to Do If You Have Different Timelines or Desires
Disagreements run deeper when timelines or desires around children don’t align. For example:
- You want to start trying for a baby soon, but your partner isn’t ready.
- Your partner wants kids, and you’re not sure you do.
- You both want children but have drastically different views about when or how to pursue parenthood.
What should you do?
- Explore motivations: Ask why your timelines or desires differ. Is one partner waiting for stability? Is the other worried about age-related fertility?
- Set milestones and revisit the conversation: If timing is an issue, discuss tangible milestones (e.g., financial goals, career stability) and check in periodically.
- Respect non-negotiables: If one person is certain about having kids while the other is firmly against it, the reality is, this could be a dealbreaker.
These conversations can feel incredibly emotional, but clarity is better than uncertainty.
Seeking Professional Help if Needed
If you’re struggling to find common ground, counseling or therapy can be immensely helpful.
Licensed marriage and family therapists, for example, can mediate discussions, help you unpack your feelings, and guide you toward solutions that work best for both of you—whether individually or as a couple.
Seeking professional help isn’t a “failure.” It’s a sign of commitment to your relationship and your shared future.
Strengthen Your Bond Through Vulnerable Conversations
Talking about having kids with your partner is not just about family planning—it’s about understanding each other on a deeper level. These conversations unveil values, fears, dreams, and priorities, strengthening your bond regardless of the outcome.
It’s okay if this takes time. What matters most is approaching the subject with empathy, openness, and a shared desire to understand one another. Parenthood is a journey that will require a lot of consequential discussions and decisions. This one is just the first of many. Your worth as a human being and as a woman is not defined by whether or not you become a parent. You are enough, just as you are!
Next Steps to Baby Steps?
If parenting is your next step, you’ve already had “The Talk” and are ready to start trying—or if you’re curious about fertility and want to optimize your health beforehand—I’d love to help. Book a complimentary discovery call with me to discuss how you can have a healthy pregnancy, be a healthy mom, and have a healthy baby.
